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Monday, May 10, 2010

To My Would Be Benefactors...

There has been this remarkable run of good luck in the past few months: I've won several European lotteries - some multiple times - and have been told I am heir to untold millions of dollars from the estates of people I never knew I knew. So overwhelmed am I that I've had to resort to posting replies to the most recent notifications here on my blog. If you recognize any of the names in my correspondence below, be sure to have them check out this post. It could save them a lot of time and trouble. Thanks.

Dear Mrs. Cassie Langridge,
It must be difficult, being an ageing widow afflicted as you are with a long time illness and having to be in a privet hospital in Abdijan cote d'ivoire. I guess I can see why you need my urgent reply. And in your distress, you still seek a way to disperse the 6.8 milllion to help others. Now, would that be CFA Francs or US dollars? In any event, I would be reluctant to accept the 20% commission you offered for my assistance. Let me suggest that you and your Nurse Angela find someone in the Ivory Coast who could use a little help and make arrangements accordingly.

Dear Sgt. James Riebe,
Of course, I would be happy to help out a member of our armed forces overseas. However, I must confess, I am a bit uncertain as to what you need help with. As you wrote to me, you have already put away the US50 Million(Fifty Million USD) in a better secured place in the United States of America (Atlanta Georgia). As you might expect, I am more than a little curious as to how you came to be in sole possession of this part of Saddam Hussein's funds. Let me suggest that you and the diplomat that cannot be disclose for security reason put your heads together and find a way to take care of this by yourselves. I would hate to have to take a share of these funds from someone who has given so much to his country.

Dear Ms. Patricia Knewl,
First, let me say that I have never, until now, received a correspondence that started with the salutation Calvary Greetings. I am sorry to hear that you are widowed, but must say that I am impressed that you want to do donation of 5.Million to help orphans and widows, and charity. And in my home country, no less. How kind of you. You offer that I can get this fund and use it to your [that would be me] wishes to the needs of your [me again] country. Let me suggest that you might find many needs in your [that would be you] own country; perhaps that should be your focus.

Dear Barrister Gibson Ryan,
Right off, I see you are confused. Your note started out I am Barrister Gibson Ryan. An introduction stated straight away, with what appears to be a high degree of confidence. But when you signed the note, you wrote Faithfully yours, Barr. Peter James. Perhaps it is this confused state you find yourself in that caused you to ask me if I have contacted the western union money transfer payment headquarter Benin Republic as I instructed you and recieved your fund? Well I can tell you for sure that I have not. Contacted the western union money transfer payment headquarter Benin Republic, that is. Let me suggest that you sort out who you are. Then, when this issue is all in order and you still want to transfer some funds to me, write me again. But next time, don’t call me dear.

Dear Corporal Mary Ann MacCombie (E-4),
You have written that you have a very desperate need for assistance. I guess we'd better get right on it. I'm glad that you have summed up courage to contact you [that would be me again]. But really, I'm a nice guy - you didn’t have to be so concerned. So, you have some funds that were discovered in barrels at a farmhouse near one of Saddam's old palaces in Tikrit-Iraq. A tidy sum of ($ 3.2 million u.s.dollars )three million, two hundred united states dollars and you would like to transfer it to me. I feel like I need to ask you this: Do you know Sgt. James Riebe? Seems he stumbled onto $50 million in Iraq. Let me suggest that you two straighten things out first. You know, I think he may be holding out on you. Then, when this issue is all in order and you still want to transfer some funds to me, write me again. But next time, don’t call me Beloved.

Dear Barrister Jere Dende,
You aren't Barrister Gibson Ryan - Peter James, are you? How awful that your client, Dr. Eric Morgan, his wife and their only daughter died in event of terrorist attack on 11th September 2001 world trade centre. I'd be glad to help in whatever way I can, although I wonder how your proposal would accomplish anything. At least for you and perhaps surviving members of the family. That would NOT be me, as far as I know. Anyway, instead of transferring the sum of Thirty Million Five Hundred thousand united state dollars ($30.5m USD) into my account, let me suggest you try and find some of our dearly departed Dr. Morgan's surviving family. I'm sure they would appreciate it. If this doesn't work out, get back to me. But next time, don’t call me Sir/Madam.

Dear Sgt. Jeff Frawley, An American Soldier in Iraq,
I know this is an important message, but I'm detecting a pattern here. Let me suggest you contact Sgt. James Riebe and Corporal Mary Ann MacCombie (E-4). If you guys pool your resources, then you'll really have something to offer. Although I must admit, I liked your assurances that the transaction you proposed is 100% risk free. You don't find many of those these days.

To all of you who have made these generous offers,
You’ve provided me generous opportunities to profit from your situations. I am touched and would like to help. So, to simplify the ongoing process and reduce your workloads, let me suggest the following: just drop me an email with your bank account information, including your login ID and password, and I will make all of the arrangements to have the funds transferred. No sense in you all having to bother yourselves with this administrivia. I am sure you have more important things to do. No need to thank me. It’s the least I can do.

In addition, I would be glad to provide each of you with a copy of the Oxford English Dictionary and Strunk's The Elements of Style. You understand, I'm sure.

P.S. Don’t forget to include your mailing address, driver’s license, passport and, if applicable, social security numbers.


Kari said...

Really enjoyed reading this! :)

Anonymous said...

Some folks just don't 'preciate generosity, do theys?

Jack said...

It's just us few cranky, crusty, crotchety, cynical curmudgeons who fail to see the sheer generosity in the offers we receive.